“If you can learn a simple trick, Scout, you’ll get along a lot better with all kinds of folks. You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view, until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it.” – Atticus Finch, To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee
We can be so caught up in the me, me, me of our world, that we don’t often think about others in our daily interactions. We are too busy worrying about what has already happened to us or what might be about to happen. Our emotions about those situations can be all consuming when we feel threatened, or even afraid, since our brains are wired to focus on survival, and our instincts tells us to be on high alert for danger. Thankfully, most of our interactions aren’t life-threatening. However, it is unfortunate that we are frequently getting riled up by interactions with colleagues, family members, and friends who have no intention of harming us. We often find ourselves getting angry or misunderstanding people who care about us.
It can be easy to have an emotional reaction and believe someone did something they shouldn’t have. Personally, I have gone there so many times—feeling slighted by someone I work with, thinking Warren was making decisions without considering me, or being sure one of my family members was saying something just to get under my skin. However, I knew I was almost always making assumptions that ended up being false. It was an emotional rollercoaster I did not want to keep riding. That’s why I changed my mindset.
Now, when I sense these kinds of feelings, I take a moment to pause and put myself in other people’s shoes. I try and figure out where they are coming from and what might be motivating them. I even try to consider what might have happened in their day to make them communicate with me in that manner. Usually, I can come up with a different perspective of interactions that are not at all intended to cause me grief or harm. It is often a version where other people are doing the exact things they think will be best given the situation, or taking action to protect themselves because they feel threatened.
Once I take this moment to pause, my perspective changes. Any angst or animosity I had is almost always lifted, and my interactions with people become much easier overall. From that perspective, I start to see people in a different light, and more often than not, feel a deep empathy for them.
My friend Jean gave me some sage advice: “No one knows your intent. They only see your actions and hear your words.” This reality puts the onus on us to make sure our actions and words reflect our intent. That said, we all make mistakes and sometimes say and do the wrong things, even with the best of intentions. That’s why we must try hard to understand others and see their perspective, even when their words or actions initially rub us the wrong way.
Oftentimes, disagreements are merely communication breakdowns. Try giving people another chance. If you think you might have misinterpreted something they said, ask for clarification rather than making assumptions and getting upset. Even if their message isn’t exactly what you wanted to hear, it might give you a much-needed fresh perspective.
Mindfulness Exercise
The next time you feel yourself going to that negative space when you assume someone has done something unacceptable or hurtful, take a moment to pause. See if you can see things through the other person’s eyes, and come up with a new lens to view the interaction. Give them some grace, and observe yourself. Do you feel more empathy, and less anger or frustration?
You really have nothing to lose and everything to gain from walking in another person’s shoes. And you’ll find that a lot of people look a whole lot better in this new light.
