Twenty years ago, when I was getting a divorce, a good friend of mine asked me if I was going to become one of those bitter angry women who hates men. I had to laugh. I told him no, I love men, but my marriage was just unworkable. I had also realized that going forward, I needed to find someone whose sh*t didn’t make me want to kill him. (By “sh*t,” I mean all the things people do that irk you, annoy you, and sometimes threaten to send you over the edge of sanity.) Finding a partner whose sh*t wasn’t too much to handle may seem like a low bar, but it’s actually not.

We ALL have our sh*t. We bring it with us to every relationship, and although it changes and hopefully becomes less dysfunctional over time, it will always be with us. However, if the stuff someone brings to the relationship regularly pushes our buttons, frustrates us, and generally just makes us angry at the person no matter how hot the romance is or how many lovely qualities the person has, the relationship will be a struggle at best, and be a disaster at worst.

This can mean all kinds of things for all kinds of people. Maybe your button is not shutting the cabinet doors, or leaving things haphazardly all over the house, or listening to people harp on about certain viewpoints that conflict with your own. Sometimes, people can make a change—I learned to close the cabinet doors, most of the time— and sometimes they can’t. Paying attention to those small details can make a big difference in how you interact with your partner for the good or bad.

After my divorce, I thought a lot more about what I wanted in a partner, and I realized that the person also needs to bring out the best in me, since I want to feel good about who I am in relationship. This can be a much harder thing to spot when first getting to know someone. Many of us have been with partners who don’t complement us in a way that brings out the best in ourselves. When we are with them, there may be tons of passion and love, but we are just not quite at our best. We are angrier, quieter, more sullen, dissatisfied, or less confident. We just don’t feel quite right in our skin, and we keep trying to figure out why.

Who knows why certain people bring these things out, but some relationships are just that way. It may be that these partners see those sides of us (that we may not even see ourselves) and the traits become magnified. Or it may be that these partners need us to be a certain way, and our natural inclination is to try and comply. It may be that their sh*t makes us want to kill them, and we behave in ways we don’t feel good about. Whatever the reason, this is a difficult situation to be in, and one that probably won’t change.

In any relationship, especially intimate ones, it is critical to accept that people are not going to change. They may make small improvements as they grow and mature, but it isn’t realistic to expect drastic change, especially when it comes to core personality traits. That’s why it makes sense to approach relationships in a fashion that accepts people for who they are, while also realizing you can’t compromise yourself. This can often mean establishing boundaries that make the situation workable.  One way to frame and clarify your relationship is to use reflection, creating an awareness of ways you can approach your relationship.

Tips for Reflecting on Your Relationship

  • Noticing and being grateful for the gestures your partner does to be considerate of you
  • Looking at the big picture and reminding yourself of how meaningful the relationship is, instead of the small annoyances
  • Focusing on the areas where you are in alignment with each other
  • Letting your partner know what is bothering you, in a calm and respectful manner, and then letting it go. (e.g., “Could you please remember to close the cabinets?” I know it seems like a little thing, but it bugs me.”)
  • Occasionally venting to a trusted friend to get it off your chest, so you can let go of your frustration. You may also be surprised to hear that what sounds so rational and justified inside your head, doesn’t sound quite the same way when you speak it out loud.
  • Taking time to reflect on whether it is really your partner, or triggers from past situations/relationships, that is creating the angst for you.

Unfortunately, we may not always be able to come up with ways to maintain a relationship that is workable for both people. Some relationships we choose are not healthy for both partners, and we may need to let them go.  On the other hand, if we can find ways to manage the minor annoyances and truly feel that we are at our best (most of the time anyway), we may have found our best fit.

Warren starts with the deal breakers to know if a relationship has a real shot. Like, if you smoke, forget it. He says it makes the small stuff like closing the cabinets not such a big deal.

 

“If I was meant to be controlled, I would have come with a remote.”

Genereux Philip